Okay, let's start at the very end of Wednesday's second night of performances from the female "American Idol" semifinalists. Two-thirds of the way into her misguided attempt to scale "All By Myself," Asia'h Epperson made a sound come out of her mouth for like 20 seconds that was not music. It was torture. She could have flown out to Boulder and jabbed me in the eye with a knitting needle and it would have been less painful. It made me want to renounce music forever and go live in an isolated yurt somewhere where Fox's HD signal could never reach me again. Why did you do that to me, Asia'h? That was mean! Epperson could sing the greatest song ever written in one-woman four-part harmony next week and I will still never again name her as a serious contender. In fact I'm tempted just to pick her to get ejected every week from here on out until she actually does, just so I can celebrate it. I am angry.

The hilarious thing was that the camera panned across the group of male contestants while the note was still going strong and about half of them were clapping while half of them were trying to hide the same stricken look that I had. Too bad they didn't show Simon Cowell's reaction. Randy Jackson ("Every time I actually know the name of the original artist that performed the song, all three or four times a week, I mention it like I'm divulging privileged information") and Paula Abdul ("Wow, are my pupils dilated") were so out to lunch they actually liked Epperson's vocal. Simon Cowell seemed too flabbergasted to even think of a good putdown, merely smirking that she wasn't good enough of a singer for the song and giving a meaningful look to those of us at home who knew all too well what he meant.

But the note might be a early watershed moment of the season, because it's a reminder that most of the 30 millions or so who watch "American Idol" each week don't know the slightest thing about music theory and think the comments that Cowell (in particular) and the other judges make about pitch problems are just meanness for its own sake. Perhaps that's why Simon has been so low-key so far this season -- he realizes that there's nothing he can do to make the voters see things his way, but there's plenty he can do to mobilize the fanbases of the more vulnerable singing talents. He must be getting kind of bored, because I know I am a bit -- last evening was a parade of bland, safe performances from the female cast. Not a one of them should be complacent. Amanda Overmyer, a chic pick to win it all after the Hollywood rounds, was so obviously horrible that she could have eliminated herself right here and now. Ramiele Malubay, who ought to be as much of a lock for the finals as David Archuleta is on the boys' side, completely wasted an opportunity to set herself apart with a could-have-been-anyone disco vocal. If anyone benefited it was the girls in the field who don't have huge, rafter-shaking power voices -- Brooke White remains charming if predictable and Carly Smithson, finally free of illness, has started delivering on her potential. But everybody still has a ton of work left to do. By this point last year, we had already seen multiple vocals by Melinda Doolittle that brought the house down and LaKisha Jones was moving into position as her principal challenger. While last week had some very solid technical performances from the ladies, not a one of them got to that higher level where the audience gets chills and the moment remains in every "Idol" fan's memory forever. This week no one even came close.

Carly Smithson I've been perhaps too unfair to Smithson, who did get way too much screen time in the Hollywood shows -- not her fault. Yeah, it's a little disingenuous the way her Irish accent only seems to take effect when she's talking specifically about Ireland. Yeah, her tattoos and tough attitude don't mesh properly with her voice, which is actually rather middle-of-the-road. But this was probably the first time we've heard Smithson operating at 100% health, and Heart's "Crazy on You" was a solid choice. I think Smithson is going to take a week or two to really get in the game -- she said the song was one of her favorites of all time, and yet she sang it as if she had just learned it, mostly on key but tentative and a little muted. This was only the first of two "Guitar Hero"-featured tracks on the night. I wonder if we'll see any contestant acknowledge the game's influence in picking a song before long. Anyway, a huge improvement for Smithson and she can totally come back all the way into a frontrunner's position with a bolder, more pyrotechnic performance next week. 7

Syesha Mercado I liked Sylvia's modern gender-bending take on "Me & Mr. Jones" as a concept, but the execution was lacking. I have to say, I have doubts about Syesha's bona fides as a musician. She's an actress with above-average raw vocal talent, but a singer with even a little experience wouldn't make the head-scratching mistakes that she does, bombing out on easy in-the-pocket notes even as she nails the big showstoppers. She might have gotten away with a couple of flubs last night if one of her pitch misses hadn't arrived on the sustained final note of the song. She's fortunate that a few girls were obviously far, far worse last night. 6

Brooke White White absolutely had to be excellent last night, given the theme -- she has been collaborating in earnest with the "Idol" behind-the-scenes machine from the very start to establish her image as a sun-kissed 70's soft-rock goddess, Carly, Stevie, and Carole all rolled into one. "You're So Vain" was a perfect song for her -- maybe too perfect, because the moment it started you knew exactly where it was going to go -- but at this point in the contest safe but memorable performances that solidify your identity in the viewers' minds are perfectly acceptable. I liked White's playful hinting that the song was directed towards Cowell and when she broke out in smiles during the performance they seemed quite natural and uncalculated -- just a cool hippie chick having a good time playing a song she loves. I don't have the slightest idea where White will go when the themes force her to consider music released within her own lifetime. Last year's female cast lacked any musicians who were inspired by female songwriters as opposed to singers; I think it'd be terribly brave and refreshing to hear a 90's night version of a Tori Amos song instead of four Whitney tracks and three Celine covers. Hell, even Alanis Morrissette would be an improvement. If White tried to do the diva thing she'd get drummed out in a heartbeat; she has a wisp of a voice. But I think I'm projecting a lot of what I would like to see happen on to White's slender shoulders because she happens to be genuine and winning and more musical than the average "Idol" diva. Her "Idol" bio lists nothing but hoary mainstream 70's artists as influences. If she really has no awareness of music released since the Carter administration it's going to be really difficult for her to hang on once all the more modern girls surrounding her get unleashed from the stupid theme night requirements. (Why did they begin the season with those again?) Big ups for thanking the band, though. If I was on "Idol" I would make sure to laud the band every week, those cats are ridiculously good. 8

Ramiele Malubay Ramiele is already second-guessing her song choices in only the second week of the studio shows, a bad sign. She's got a big voice but I don't know if she has the self-confidence to keep off assaults from the less talented but more self-assured, risk-taking group trailing right behind her. This week's performance was a forgettable place-holder, some lame disco thing that Malubay was able to wring a couple of good moments from but nothing that anybody will remember anything about in two weeks' time. She also chose a busy arrangement of the tune that helped to further bury the difficult-to-follow melody. I wonder if she doesn't have the same problem as Mercado -- not enough of a music fiend. She should know that she's a ballad singer by now; as we've discussed, losing sleep about not showing enough range in the second week is silly. Well, this was a bad theme night for her, the 70's were kind of short on torch songs that don't now sound embarrassingly dated. 7

Kristy Lee Cook I wonder if Kristy could have picked a song with more than three words, but other than that minor quibble this was a nice comeback for Cook, who's been mostly relying on her sex appeal to this point but has more vocal chops than, say, Antonella Barba from Season 6. She did about as well on "You're No Good" as she could have, with the exception of one attempt to rough up a note that instead of sounding bluesy just sounded phlegmy. After hinting at it last week, Simon just about ordered her to go country for the next time out. Cook seems to have taken the hint, but you're never going to get yourself in too much trouble underestimating the intelligence of the rank-and-file "Idol" competitor. I don't know if it makes any difference at all. If past seasons are to be any guide, Cook has the role of "hot chick who doesn't completely suck at singing" sewed up and in her hip pocket. That should be good for a slot on the big summer "Idol" package tour at the very least. That means final 10. She's not one of the ten best singers in the field, but she's not so far off that it would be a brutal injustice. 7

Amanda Overmyer Up until Asia'h's attempt to make my brain stop accepting the data stream from my ears in self-defense, the most startling thing about Wednesday's show was how horrible Amanda Overmyer was. She was terrific last week, and this time out? A disaster. She picked "Carry On Wayward Son" (another "Guitar Hero" track), which was random and clueless because it's a song mostly remembered for all of its instrumental, guitar riff-based sections. The band did a rather amazing job summarizing all of those riffs in a minute and a half, but Overmyer herself was completely adrift. The entire first verse of the song barely touched base with the key it was supposed to be in and the overall effect was nothing short of grotesque. This was one of the worst non-Sanjaya "Idol" vocals I have ever seen, and that's saying something. Also -- and maybe beauty school dropout Brooke White can help Amanda with this -- something needs to be done about the hair. It's like a three-way collision between Elvira, That Girl, and an improperly grounded outlet. I have to say, it would have to take a superhuman effort to blow the huge head start Overmyer had coming out of the auditions and Hollywood shows, where she got screen time galore. I think that was it. She should be going home. 3

Alaina Whitaker Whitaker looks set to be sent packing Thursday too, which is a pity in a small way -- her little introductory video from last night, where she talked about how she doesn't like different kinds of food touching on her dinner plate, was the dumbest "Idol" intro I've yet witnessed. It's always entertaining when people who are not at all burdened by higher thought processes are given free reign to talk about whatever they want to on national TV. (This explains the appeal of Fox News, I suppose.) Whitaker was so good last time out, but not so good that she could coast this week. When she's in key she's good but not that memorable. And when she's not in key, things get ugly, which her "Hopelessly Devoted to You" plainly was. The judges were kind of missing the point by criticizing her performance as old-fashioned. Whitaker's not old-fashioned -- she just sang the song really, really dreadfully badly. Kristy Lee Cook has been the more consistent singer and is better-looking, so I don't see why anyone to whom Whitaker would appeal wouldn't just vote for the improved model. 4

Alexandréa Lushington Like I was worried about, I have been having trouble keeping Alexandréa, Asia'h, and Syesha and their varied backstories separate -- which one is the one with the dead dad again? Lushington's defining characteristic is her very cool fashion sense, although she struck out this week by going urban casual to sing a chintzy ballad, "If You Leave Me Now." Other than the three ladies who just laid an egg last night, Wednesday was the evening of safe, B-/C+ vocals and Lushington was no exception. I really wish that she had the same musical confidence that she has with her clothes, because she seems like the best candidate to bust out and start getting the band to do cool new things with old songs. Lushington's vibe is hip-hop soul and she's got to learn that on "Idol" you can't afford to sit around and wait until a theme night that suits you arrives -- you have to find a way to put your own stamp on old material. I think that we are going to see some really impressive performances from Lushington at some point or another, but it is up to her whether they will be regular occurrences or few and far between. 7

Kady Malloy Too bad Fox doesn't also hold the rights to "American Mimic;" Kady and her dead-on Britney Spears could roll right next door and join a competition she might actually have a chance of holding her own in. Malloy's problem is simply that she has no identity whatsoever, and everything about her Wednesday night performance simply reinforced this failing -- her dress was ugly, the little whispered bits she threw in to "Magic Man" didn't work in the slightest, and when she got to the end what little hold she had on her pitch flew away. Others were much more conspicously bad last night, but I think Malloy's campaign is hopeless. She should just go ahead and do a Britney Spears tribute before she gets sent home so at the very least she'll have gotten her full 15 minutes out of the whole experience. 6

Asia'h Epperson I'm writing this more than two hours after my first tape-delayed exposure to that atrocity of a sustained note, and I still feel off-balance... normally I would be listening to music while typing this up but I'm sitting in silence because I feel like my ears need to recover. What's too bad is that Epperson almost, underline almost, made it through "All By Myself" unscathed. But what good stuff she did in the song was for me completely forgotten as soon as I stopped screaming and crying hysterically. She isn't going to get sent home, but I swear, if she does anything like that again, I'm going to just skip her performances from here on out and put an n/a for the score. 5

The picks: I have Luke Menard and Danny Noriega from the boys' side (although I really hope it's not Danny) and Amanda Overmyer and Alaina Whitaker from the girls'. The 10-sided die likes Jason Castro, Jason Yeager, Brooke White, and Alaina Whitaker. I'm 2 for 4 so far on the season; the polyhedral dice have yet to get on the board.